At our old house, we had a trampoline in the garden. I say “trampoline.” It was essentially a bouncy death trap. It was the setting for a game that I am pretty sure would make a Health and Safety Inspector immediately resign and go live in a cave.
We called it El Toro Loco.
For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, that translates to “The Crazy Bull.” Or in my case, “The Middle-Aged Man Having a Crisis on All Fours.”
The rules were simple.
I get on my hands and knees and put my fingers up to my head to make “horns.” I look like a snail that’s lost its shell and got really angry about it.
The boys get on with me. My job: I charge at them. I gore them with my finger-horns and attempt to toss them around the trampoline like ragdolls. Their job: Dodge the wheezing beast.
It was carnage. Absolute violence.
I’m there, headbutting my own children in the stomach, flipping them into the air, and they are screaming with laughter. There is nothing quite like the sound of pure joy mixed with mild peril. Safe? No. Fun? Absolutely.
The Matador’s Meal (Or: What to eat when your knees have stopped working)
After twenty minutes of being “The Crazy Bull,” the bull is broken.
My knees are dust. My back has seized up and I’m breathing so heavily I’m frightening the neighbours. I have absolutely zero energy to cook a meal that requires “skill” or “standing up for long periods.”
But, seeing as I’ve just spent twenty minutes acting like Spanish livestock, it feels right to make Paella.
This is my “Speedy” version. Authentic Paella takes time. It takes patience. I don’t have patience. I have carpet burn on my shins.
This version takes 20 minutes. It relies entirely on the Chorizo to do the heavy lifting flavour-wise. I just throw it in the pan and hope for the best.
It’s the perfect meal for when you have exhausted yourself fighting toddlers in a cage match. Bon Appétit.
💡 Tired Dad Tips
- The “Yellow” Hack: In this recipe, I’ve used Saffron because I was feeling fancy (and I actually found a jar of it at the back of the cupboard from 2018). It gives that distinct flavour. However, if you don’t want to re-mortgage your house to buy Saffron, just use a pinch of Turmeric. It gives the exact same golden colour, and the kids won’t know the difference.
- The “Cross” Technique: I read somewhere that when you add the rice, you must pour it into the pan in a Cross Shape (crucifix) across the stock. Does it make it taste better? No idea. Does it make me feel like an authentic Spanish chef for 5 seconds? Absolutely.
- The “Socarrat”: Don’t stir it too much at the end. You want the bottom to catch slightly and go crispy. The Spanish call this Socarrat. I call it “the best bit.”
Speedy Spanish Paella
Ingredients
- 2 Chicken Breasts diced.
- Chorizo Ring about 100g, sliced into cubes / chunks
- 1 Onion chopped.
- 2 Garlic Cloves crushed.
- 1 tsp Smoked Paprika.
- Pinch of Saffron strands See the ‘Dad Tip’ above – Turmeric works too!.
- 250 g Paella Rice or Risotto rice.
- 600 ml Chicken Stock.
- Handful of Frozen Peas.
- Lemon to squeeze over at the end.
Instructions
- The Flavour Base: Heat a large frying pan (or shallow casserole dish). Throw in the Onion and Chorizo.
- Watch: As the chorizo cooks, it releases beautiful red oil. We are going to cook the rest of the meal in this oil. Fry for 5 mins until the onion is soft.
- The Protein: Add the Garlic and the Chicken. Fry for another 5 minutes until the chicken is white on the outside and coated in the red oil.
- The Spice: Stir in the Smoked Paprika. If you are using Turmeric instead of Saffron, add that now too.
- The Liquid: If you are using Saffron, crumble the strands into your hot Chicken Stock first so they bleed that yellow colour. Pour the stock into the pan.
- The Rice: Pour your Rice into the pan in a "cross" shape. Don't stir.
- The Simmer: Turn the heat down to medium-low. Let it bubble away for about 15 minutes. Do not stir it constantly like a risotto.
- The Green: When the liquid is almost gone and the rice is nearly tender, scatter the Frozen Peas over the top. They only need 2–3 minutes to cook in the steam.
- Serve: Squeeze a lemon over the top and serve immediately.
Notes
Do you ignore Health & Safety for the sake of a good game? I need to know I’m not the only one risking a trip to A&E for a laugh.
What’s the most ‘dangerous’ game you play with your kids?
Come and tell me on X @tireddadcooks. or tag me in your chaos on Instagram @tireddadcooksuk.