The River Ninja.
I have a serious question. Has my son been attending a secret dojo while I’m asleep? Is he living a double life?
A few years ago, we were out for a “nice, calm family walk.” (Note: This is a lie we tell ourselves. There is no such thing. It’s just “crowd control outside.”)
We were by the river. I was holding Henry’s hand. I wasn’t just holding it; I had him in a vice grip. I was essentially a human handcuff. I thought, I am in control.
I was not in control.
Suddenly, he pulled a move. A specific, calculated martial arts move. He twisted his wrist, pressed a pressure point, and dislocated my thumb using only his mind. It was like holding hands with a tiny, nappy-wearing Bruce Lee.
And what did he do with his newfound freedom?
He didn’t run. He launched. He jumped into the river doing a flying karate kick.
There I was, scrambling down a muddy bank to fish out a wet toddler, wondering when my life turned into a low-budget action movie where I play the hapless sidekick. But he could not have been happier with himself.
The Warm Up
After dragging a wet child home and drying everyone off, I looked at the kitchen. I didn’t have the energy to cook. I barely had the energy to stand.
But, in honour of Henry’s sudden transition into a Ninja Turtle, it felt right to cook Japanese.
Enter The Chicken Katsu Curry.
This is part of my ongoing mission: “Tired Dad vs Takeaways.”
We love Wagamama. It’s lovely. But taking two boys there requires a small mortgage. Plus, you have to sit on a bench next to a stranger who is judging your parenting while eating noodles.
This home version costs pennies. Literal pennies.
And the sauce? I was amazed. I read the recipe. It’s basically blended veg water.
I boiled some carrots and onions, blitzed them up, and it turned into curry sauce. It felt like alchemy. It felt like I was scamming the system.
“It costs 12p, tastes like £15, and warms you up after you’ve been roundhouse kicked into a river by your own son.”
💡 Tired Dad Tips
- The Chicken Cheat: You can bread your own chicken breasts with flour, egg, and panko if you have time. I do not have time. I buy good quality Chicken Goujons from the supermarket (the Aldi ones are actually great). Stick them in the oven/air fryer while you make the sauce.
- The “Dip” Strategy: My boys hate sauce touching their crispy chicken (why are kids like this?). So, we serve the sauce in a little “dipping pot” on the side. They feel like giants dipping their food; I get to keep my sanity.
- The Spice Mix: Don’t be a hero. You don’t need to grind your own cumin and coriander seeds. The cheap “Mild Curry Powder” from the supermarket spice aisle is perfectly balanced for this.
- Ninja Blender Tip: The hand blender should do the trick, but if not I sometimes chuck it in our Ninja Smoothy Maker to get it really smooth – Open carefully!! The hot sauce will steam and can come out and could burn you.
River Ninja Katsu Curry
Ingredients
The Cheat
- 1 Pack of Breaded Chicken Goujons Aldi Roosters are the king here.
- 300 g Basmati Rice.
The Katsu Sauce:
- 1 Onion chopped.
- 2 Carrots peeled and chopped into chunks.
- 2 Garlic Cloves chopped (or 1 tsp paste).
- 1 tsp Ginger Paste Optional, but adds a nice zing.
- 1 tbsp Mild Curry Powder Supermarket own brand is fine!.
- 500 ml Water or Chicken/Veg stock if you want to amp up the taste.
- 1 tbsp Dark Soy Sauce Crucial for that rich colour.
- 1 tsp Sugar or Honey to balance the spice.
Instructions
- The Chicken: Get your chicken goujons in the oven or Air Fryer. They usually take about 15-20 minutes, which is exactly how long the sauce takes.
- The Base: Heat a splash of oil in a saucepan. Throw in the onion, carrots, garlic, and ginger. Fry them on medium heat for 5 minutes until the onion is soft.
- The Spice: Add the Curry Powder. Stir it constantly for 1 minute.
- Dad Note: This is "cooking out" the spice so it doesn't taste dusty. It will look dry and smell amazing.
- The Liquid: Pour in the Water (or stock). Yes, just water. Trust the process.
- The Simmer: Bring it to a boil, then turn down and simmer for 10 minutes until the carrots are soft.
- The Magic (Blitz): Take the pan off the heat. Use a hand blender (stick blender) to blitz the sauce until it is completely smooth.
- Watch: The carrots will disappear, and the sauce will instantly thicken into that classic orange/brown Katsu gravy.
- The Seasoning: Stir in the Dark Soy Sauce and the sugar/honey. Taste it. If it needs more salt, add a splash more Soy.
Serve:
- Adults: Slice the chicken, place on rice, drown in sauce.
- Kids: Rice, Chicken, and a "Dipping Pot" of sauce on the side.
Notes
Has your child ever escaped your grip like a ninja? Let me know in the comments or Tag me on Instagram @tireddadcooksuk or come and say hi on X @tireddadcooks.