The Dad Spa.
In our house, Hide and Seek is more than just a game. It is a tactical survival strategy. It is the only time in my adult life where I am officially allowed to sit in a dark corner for five minutes in total, blissful silence.
I don’t call it “playing with the kids.” I call it a “mini-break.”
The Dad Walk
The boys have reached that age where they are actually legitimate ninjas. But as a Dad, I have a role to play. I have to perform the “Dad Walk.”
I usually have a fair idea where they are—I can see a stray elbow or hear a muffled laugh from behind a curtain—but I have to pretend I’m searching for a needle in a haystack.
”Where could they be?” I shout to the empty hallway. “Are they in the bread bin? No. Are they inside the microwave? No.”
I walk past their hiding spots ten times. I check the laundry basket. I look behind a single houseplant that couldn’t hide a goldfish. It’s a world-class performance. I’m giving them the win, and I’m giving myself another 60 seconds of not being used as a human trampoline.
The Impossible Squeeze
Then, it’s my turn to hide.
This is where I take things to a professional level. I have discovered that, when motivated by the prospect of five minutes of peace, the human body is surprisingly elastic.
I have squeezed myself into gaps between wardrobes that I didn’t think a grown man could fit into. I’ve tucked myself into the void behind the armchair and held my breath until I started seeing stars.
It is glorious. No one is asking me for a snack. No one is asking me to find a specific Lego head. I just sit there in the dark, achieving a level of Zen usually reserved for monks. “Found you!” they scream eventually, but inside? I’m refreshed. I’ve had my spa day.
The Master of Concealment
This skill for “disappearing” has naturally moved into the kitchen.
The boys are smart, but I am sneakier. They claim they “hate” vegetables, so I’ve adopted a Hide and Seek policy for dinner. If they can’t see the veg, the veg doesn’t exist.
I don’t just serve a meal; I commit a delicious act of culinary fraud.
The Recipe: “Ninja Level” Stealth Cottage Pie
This is the “Gold” standard for getting the good stuff into them. It’s a fortress of mashed potato hiding a secret bunker of vitamins.
Serve it up and watch them inhale it. They think they’re just eating meat and mash. You know they’ve just had a massive hit of veg while you were “hiding” in plain sight.
Mission Accomplished.
💡Tired Dad Tips
- The Vegetable Ninja: I grate the onions, carrots, and courgette. They cook faster and disappear into the sauce so the kids don’t know they are eating them. (“Ha! In your face!” – disclaimer: I only thought that, I didn’t say it).
- The Texture Hack: When frying the mince, really “mush” it up with your spoon. You don’t want strands or big chunks; breaking it down gives it a much better texture.
- The Game Changer: Invest in a Potato Ricer. It turns lumpy mash into super-smooth restaurant mash with almost zero effort.
- The Budget Tip: Use Lurpak supermarket own-brand alternatives for the mash if you don’t want to re-mortgage your home for real butter.
- Vegetarian Alternative: I have used the Quorn Mince alternative before, and nobody even noticed – They only found out because I told them afterwards.
Speedy Cottage Pie
Ingredients
- 500 g Lean Beef Mince You can use less meat and more gravy to make it cheaper.
- 4-5 Large Potatoes peeled and cut into small 2cm chunks.
- 1 Large Onion finely chopped.
- 1 tsp Garlic chopped (or I just use squeezy garlic – it’s quicker and lasts for ages).
- 1 Carrot & 1 Courgette finely grated.
- Handful of Frozen Peas.
- 4-5 tsp “Bisto Best” Beef Gravy Granules.
- 20 g Butter & a splash of Milk.
- Grated Cheese Cheddar.
Instructions
- Start the Potatoes: Boil the kettle. Peel the potatoes and chop them into small 2cm chunks (small chunks cook much faster). Add to a pan of boiling salted water.
- The Veg Base: Chop the onion/garlic and grate the carrot/courgette. Fry them in a large, deep pan on medium heat until soft.
- The Meat: Add the beef mince. Fry it until browned, making sure to “mush” it up so there are no large lumps.
- The Cheat: Add the Bisto granules and fry for a minute. Then, add boiling water just to cover the meat. Stir and let it thicken. Add the frozen peas and simmer on low.
- Dad Tip: If it’s too runny, just add another teaspoon of granules until it looks like a sturdy base for the mash.
- The Mash: Check the potatoes (if a knife slides off easily, they are done). Drain and mash (use a ricer if you have one!). Add the butter, milk, salt, and pepper.
- Assembly: Spoon the mash on top of the meat sauce (if your pan is oven-safe, do it right in the pan!). Use a fork to drag little ridges across the top—these go crispy in the oven. Cover with grated cheese.
- The Finish: Pop it under the grill for 5 minutes until the cheese is bubbling and brown.
Notes
Tried this cheat? If you made this (or used Smash, I won’t tell), Tag me on Instagram @tireddadcooksuk or come and say hi on X @tireddadcooks.